How To Talk To Anyone — Summary
And How To Become A Big Player
Your face can make seven thousand different expressions, and each exposes precisely who you are and what you are thinking at any particular moment.’
‘And your body! The way you move is your autobiography in motion.’
On the stage of real life, every physical move you make subliminally tells everyone in eyeshot the story of your life. Dogs hear sounds our ears can’t detect. Bats see shapes in the darkness that elude our eyes. And people make moves that are beneath human consciousness but have tremendous power to attract or repel. Every smile, every frown, every syllable you utter, every arbitrary choice of word that passes between your lips, can draw others toward you, or make them want to run away.
The way you look and the way you move is more than 70 per cent of someone’s first impression of you. Not one word need be spoken.
Posture
‘Just give ’em great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a direct gaze.’ It’s the ideal image for somebody who’s a Somebody.
Your posture is your biggest success barometer
It adds up. Visualize anything sixty times a day and it becomes a habit! Habitual good posture is the first mark of a Big Winner.
Hang by your teeth Visualize a circus iron-jaw bit hanging from the frame of every door you walk through. Take a bite and, with it firmly between your teeth, let it swoop you to the peak of the big top. When you Hang by Your Teeth, every muscle is stretched into perfect posture position.
Like lawyers deciding whether they want you on their case, everybody you meet makes a subconscious judgment on whether they want you in their lives. They base their verdict greatly on the same signals, your body-language answer to their unspoken question, ‘Well, how do you like me so far?’
Controlled studies show that party goers are more comfortable approaching people who stand with an open body — arms uncrossed and hanging at their sides, legs slightly separated, a slight smile on their faces. Any object between you and the crowd is a subliminal cutoff — even your purse.
Frightened little jungle cats crouch behind rocks and logs so no bigger animals will spot them. In the social jungle, shy people do the same. They instinctively seek out corners and sit in seats where they won’t be seen. Whereas lynxes and lions stroll confidently to the centre of the jungle clearing, human Big Cats in the social jungle also stand confidently in a clearing so others can see them. Like a politician, position yourself near a doorway since everyone must pass your way at some point in the evening.
‘The body must be open before the mind can follow.’ For example, he continues, ‘If your customer has his arms crossed in front of his chest, hand him something to look at so he has to unfold them to take it from you.’ Jimmi always carries a briefcase full of props to break down the barriers. He has photos of his wife and kids to hand married prospects, snapshots of his Skye terrier for customers that have a dog, an antique watch to show antique lovers, and a pocket-size computer to show gadget fanatics. Jimmi says, ‘As long as I can get them to open their arms to reach for something, I have a shot at their minds.’
Like a politician, think of your social conversations as sales pitches. Even if you have no product, you want them to buy your ideas. If your listener turns away while you’re talking, don’t concentrate on how rude the person is. Like a sales pro, ask yourself, ‘How can I change the subject to turn this person on?’ If their whole body starts to turn away, use the time-honoured personal question ploy. Ask about their favourite topic. ‘George, how big did you say that bass you caught last week was?’ Or use his name and ask a personal question. That’s always a grabber. ‘Archibald, what did you say the name of your high school football team was?’
Smiling
“I loves ya, Honey, but your smile’s too quick.”
‘The study went on to say a big, warm smile is an asset. But only when it comes a little slower, because then it has more credibility. Though the delay was less than a second, the recipients of her beautiful big smile felt it was special, and just for them. Don’t flash an immediate smile when you greet someone, as though anyone who walked into your line of sight would be the beneficiary. Instead, look at the other person’s face for a second. Pause. Soak in their persona. Then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes. It will engulf the recipient like a warm wave. The split-second delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine and only for them.
Since your smile is one of your biggest communications weapons, learn all about the moving parts and the effect on your target. Set aside five minutes. Lock your bedroom or bathroom door so your family doesn’t think you’ve gone off the deep end. Now stand in front of the mirror and flash a few smiles. Discover the subtle differences in your repertoire. Just as you would alternate saying ‘Hello,’ ‘How do you do,’ and ‘I am pleased to meet you’ when being introduced to a group of people, vary your smile. Don’t use the same on each.
Eye Contact
‘the more eye contact, the more positive feelings.’
All went as expected when women told their personal stories to women. Increased eye contact encouraged feelings of intimacy. But, whoops, it wasn’t so with the men. Some men felt hostile when stared at too long by another man. Other men felt threatened. Some few even suspected their partner was more interested
Pretend your eyes are glued to your Conversation Partner’s with sticky warm toffee.
Just make them a little less sticky when discussing personal matters with other men, lest your listener feel threatened or misinterpret your intentions. But do increase your eye contact slightly more than normal with men on day-to-day communications — and a lot more when talking to women. It broadcasts a visceral message of comprehension and respect.
When you use Epoxy Eyes, it sends out signals of interest blended with complete confidence in yourself. But because Epoxy Eyes puts you in a position of evaluating or judging someone else, you must be careful. Don’t overdo it or you could come across as arrogant and brazen.
Sometimes using full Epoxy Eyes is too potent, so here is a gentler, yet effective, form: Watch the speaker but let your glance bounce to your target each time the speaker finishes a point. This way Mr or Ms Target still feels you are intrigued by his or her reactions, yet there is relief from the intensity.
Epoxy Eyes is extremely effective on women — if they find you attractive. The lady interprets her nervous reaction to your untoward gaze as budding infatuation. If she does not like you, however, your Epoxy Eyes are downright obnoxious.
Likeability
The secret to making people like you is showing how much you like them!
When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend (an old customer, an old beloved, or someone else you had great affection for). How sad, the vicissitudes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy mackerel, now the party (the meeting, the convention) has reunited you with your long-lost old friend! The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes — and everything between.
When you act as though you like someone, you start to really like them.
Love begets love, like begets like, respect begets respect.
Fidgeting
Problems arise for us when we are not lying, but are feeling emotional or intimidated by the person we are talking with. A young man telling an attractive woman about his business success might shift his weight. A woman talking about her company’s track record to an important client could rub her neck.
Professional communicators are alert to this hazard. They consciously squelch any signs anyone could mistake for shiftiness. They fix a constant gaze on their listener. They never put their hands on their faces. They don’t massage their arm when it tingles, or rub their nose when it itches. They don’t loosen their collar when it’s hot or blink because it’s sandy. They don’t wipe away tiny perspiration beads in public or shield their eyes from the sun. They suffer because they know fidgeting undermines credibility.
Hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you’re fibbing.
Match them
Even while you’re talking, keep your eyes on your listeners and watch how they’re responding to what you’re saying. Don’t miss a trick.
Are they smiling? Are they nodding? Are their palms up? They like what they’re hearing. Are they frowning? Are they looking away? Are their knuckles clenched? Maybe they don’t. Are they rubbing their necks? Are they stepping back? Are their feet pointing toward the door? Maybe they want to get away.
Make it a habit to get on a dual track while talking. Express yourself, but keep a keen eye on how your listener is reacting to what you’re saying. Then plan your moves accordingly.
You must first match your listener’s mood.
The first step in starting a conversation without strangling it is to match your listener’s mood, if only for a sentence or two. When it comes to small talk, think music, not words. Is your listener adagio or allegro? Match that pace. I call it making a Mood Match.
Your listeners are all big babies! Match their mood if you want them to stop crying, start buying, or come around to your way of thinking.
Before opening your mouth, take a ‘voice sample’ of your listener to detect his or her state of mind. Take a ‘psychic photograph’ of the expression to see if your listener looks buoyant, bored, or blitzed. If you ever want to bring people around to your thoughts, you must match their mood and voice tone, if only for a moment.
A football player wouldn’t last two beats of the time clock if he made blind passes. A pro throws the ball with the receiver always in mind. Before throwing out any news, keep your receiver in mind. Then deliver it with a smile, a sigh, or a sob. Not according to how you feel about the news, but how the receiver will take it.
Be a copycat Watch people. Look at the way they move. Small movements? Big movements? Fast? Slow? Jerky? Fluid? Old? Young? Classy? Trashy? Pretend the person you are talking to is your dance instructor. Is he a jazzy mover? Is she a balletic mover? Watch his or her body, then imitate the style of movement. That makes your Conversation Partner subliminally real comfy with you.
Whenever someone persists in questioning you on an unwelcome subject, simply repeat your original response. Use precisely the same words in precisely the same tone of voice.
Introducing yourself
How do you put people at ease? By convincing them they are OK and that the two of you are similar. When you do that, you break down walls of fear, suspicion, and mistrust.
Top Communicators know the most soothing and appropriate first words should be, like Senator Hayakawa’s, unoriginal, even banal. But not indifferent.
Worried about your first words? Fear not, since 70% percent of your listener’s impression has nothing to do with your words anyway. Almost anything you say at first is fine. No matter how prosaic the text, an empathetic mood, a positive demeanour, and passionate delivery make you sound exciting.
Ask them where they’re from, how they know the host of the party, where they bought the lovely suit they’re wearing — or hundreds of etceteras.
The trick is to ask your prosaic question with passion to get the other person talking.
The technique requires no exceptional skill on your part, only the courage to sport a simple visual prop called a Whatzit.
A Whatzit is any object that draws people’s attention and inspires them to approach you and ask, ‘Uh, what’s that?’ Your Whatzit can be as subtle or overt as your personality and the occasion permit.
‘Well, Mister, you’re attractive. But, golly, what can I say to you? You just ain’t got no Whatzit.’
Whenever you go to a gathering, wear or carry something unusual to give people who find you the delightful stranger across the crowded room an excuse to approach. ‘Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your … what IS that?’
Whoozat is the most effective, least used (by nonpoliticians) meeting-people device ever contrived. Simply ask the party giver to make the introduction, or pump for a few facts that you can immediately turn into icebreakers.
Answering questions
Do humanity and yourself a favour. Never, ever, give just a one-sentence response to the question, ‘Where are you from?’
Give the asker some fuel for his tank, some fodder for his trough.
All it takes is an extra sentence or two about your city — some interesting fact, some witty observation
and besides only kids play the “Do-you-know-so-and-so” game.’
Learn some engaging facts about your hometown that Conversational Partners can comment on. Then, when they say something clever in response to your bait, they think you’re a great conversationalist.
Learn some history, geography, business statistics, or perhaps a few fun facts to tickle future friends’ funny bones.
When asked the inevitable ‘And what do YOU do,’ you may think ‘I’m an economist,’ ‘an educator,’ ‘an engineer’ is giving enough information to engender good conversation. However, to one who is not an economist, educator, or an engineer, you might as well be saying ‘I’m a paleontologist,’ ‘psychoanalyst,’ or ‘pornographer.’ Flesh it out. Throw out some delicious facts about your job for new acquaintances to munch on. Otherwise, they’ll soon excuse themselves, preferring the snacks back at the cheese tray.
Never the naked introduction When introducing people, don’t throw out an unbaited hook and stand there grinning like Big Clam, leaving the newlymets to flutter their fins and fish for a topic. Bait the conversational hook to get them in the swim of things. Then you’re free to stay or float on to the next networking opportunity.
Turn the spotlight on the other person
As it turns out, Dan lives in Paris, has a beach home in the south of France, and a mountain home in the Alps. He travels around the world producing sound and light shows for pyramids and ancient ruins — and he is an avid hang glider and scuba diver. Does this man have an interesting life or what? Yet Dan, when meeting Diane, said not one word about himself.
I always try to turn the spotlight on the other person.’ Truly confident people often do this. They know they grow more by listening than talking. Obviously, they also captivate the talker.
Keep your Swivelling Spotlight aimed away from you, only lightly on your product, and most brightly on your buyer. You’ll do a much better job of selling yourself and your product.
Never be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply repeat the last few words your Conversation Partner says. That puts the ball right back in his or her court, and then all you need to do is listen.
Skeletons in the closet
if you’re not a superstar, better play it safe and keep the skeletons in the closet until later. People don’t know you well enough to put your foible in context.
But very early in a relationship, the instinctive reaction is ‘What else is coming? If he shares that with me so quickly, what else is he hiding? A closetful of ex-spouses, a criminal record, walls papered with rejection letters?’ Your new acquaintance has no way of knowing your confession was a generous act, a well-intentioned revelation, on your part.
Ac-cen-tu-ate the pos-i-tive When first meeting someone, lock your closet door and save your skeletons for later. You and your new good friend can invite the skeletons out, have a good laugh, and dance over their bones later in the relationship. But now’s the time, as the old song says, to ‘ac-cen-tu-ate the pos-i-tive and elim-i-nate the neg-a-tive.’
Encore
Whenever you’re at a meeting or party with someone important to you, think of some stories he or she told you. Choose an appropriate one from their repertoire that the crowd will enjoy. Then shine the spotlight by requesting a repeat performance.
Make sure your requested Encore! is a positive story where they come out the Big Winner, not the buffoon.
Preparation
You’ve heard folks whine, ‘I can’t go to the party, I haven’t got a thing to wear.’ When was the last time you heard, ‘I can’t go to the party, I haven’t got a thing to say?’
Are you actually going to say anything that comes to mind, or doesn’t, at the moment? You wouldn’t don the first outfit your groping hand hits in the darkened closet, so you shouldn’t leave your conversing to the first thought that comes to mind when facing a group of expectant, smiling faces. You will, of course, follow your instincts in conversation. But at least be prepared in case inspiration doesn’t hit.
Big Cats never ask outright, ‘What do you do?’ (Oh they find out, all right, in a much more subtle manner.)
‘How … do … you … spend … most … of … your … time?’
To make the most of every encounter, personalize your verbal resume with just as much care as you would your written curriculum vitae. Instead of having one answer to the omnipresent ‘What do you do?’ prepare a dozen or so variations, depending on who’s asking.
To make the most of every encounter, personalize your verbal resume with just as much care as you would your written curriculum vitae. Instead of having one answer to the omnipresent ‘What do you do?’ prepare a dozen or so variations, depending on who’s asking.
The Delay
Kill the Quick ‘Me, Too!’ But in the human jungle, Big Cats know a secret. When you delay revealing your similarity, or let them discover it, it has much more punch.
Whenever someone mentions a common interest or experience, instead of jumping in with a breathless, ‘Hey, me, too! I do that, too’ or ‘I know all about that,’ let your Conversation Partner enjoy talking about it. Let her go on about the country club before you tell her you’re a member, too. Let him go on analyzing the golf swing of Arnold Palmer before you start casually comparing the swings of golf greats Greg, Jack, Tiger, and Arnie. Let her tell you how many tennis games she’s won before you just happen to mention your USTA ranking.
Whenever you have something in common with someone, the longer you wait to reveal it, the more moved (and impressed) he or she will be. You emerge as a confident Big Cat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for quick connection with a stranger.
Don’t wait too long to reveal your shared interest or it will seem like you’re being tricky.
Less I and more you
Continuing up the sanity scale, the fewer times you use I, the more sane you seem to your listeners. If you eavesdrop on Big Winners talking with each other, you’ll notice a lot more you than I in their conversation. The next technique concerns a way Big Winners are silently YOU-oriented.
Face-saver
Many speakers use author’s and speaker’s agent Lilly Walters’s face-saver lines from her book, What to Say When You’re Dying on the Platform. If you tell a joke and no one laughs, try ‘That joke was designed to get a silent laugh — and it worked.’ If the microphone lets out an agonizing howl, look at it and say, ‘I don’t understand. I brushed my teeth this morning.’ If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, ‘Could you save that question until I’m finished — and well on my way home?’ All pros think of holes they might fall into and then memorize great escape lines. You can do the same.
Once, during an oppressive financial meeting, I heard a top executive say, ‘Don’t worry, this company has enough money to stay in business for years — unless we pay our creditors.’
Whether you’re standing behind a podium facing thousands, or behind the barbecue grill facing your family, you’ll move, amuse, and motivate with the same skills. Read speakers’ books to cull quotations, pull pearls of wisdom, and get gems to tickle their funny bones. Find a few bon mots to casually slide off your tongue on chosen occasions. If you want to be notable, dream up a crazy quotable. Make ’em rhyme, make ’em clever, or make ’em funny. Above all, make ’em relevant.
Say it how it is and trash the teasing
Big Cats are anatomically correct — no cutesy words for body parts.
Call a spade a spade Don’t hide behind euphemisms. Call a spade a spade. That doesn’t mean Big Cats use tasteless four-letter words when perfectly decent five and six-letter ones exist. They’ve simply learned the Queen’s English, and they speak
Trash the teasing A dead giveaway of a little cat is his or her proclivity to tease. An innocent joke at someone else’s expense may get you a cheap laugh. Nevertheless, the Big Cats will have the last one.
Never, ever, make a joke at anyone else’s expense. You’ll wind up paying for it, dearly.
Gratitude
Very simply, never let the word thank you stand naked and alone. Always make it thank you for something.
The limitations of interest
Dale Carnegie’s adage, ‘show sincere interest and people will talk,’ only goes so far. As they say in poker, ‘it takes jacks or better to open.’ And in conversation, it takes cursory knowledge or better about their field to get them to really open up. You must have knowledgeable curiosity, the kind that makes you sound like you’re worth talking to.
Scramble Therapy is, quite simply, scrambling up your life and participating in an activity you’d never think of indulging in. Just one out of every four weekends, do something totally out of your pattern. Do you usually play tennis on weekends? This weekend, go hiking. Do you usually go hiking? This weekend, take a tennis lesson. Do you bowl? Leave that to your buddies
Go to a stamp exhibition. Go to a chess lecture. Go ballooning. Go bird watching. Go to a pool hall. Go kayaking. Go fly a kite! Why? Because it will give you conversational fodder for the rest of your life.
You learn the insider’s questions to ask. You start using the right terms. You’ll never be at a loss again when the subject of extracurricular interests comes up — which it always does.
Once a month, scramble your life. Do something you’d never dream of doing.
Just from your verbal opening serve, someone knows if it’s going to be interesting talking with you about their life or interests — or dull, dull, dull.
Read their rags Is your next big client a golfer, runner, swimmer, surfer, or skier? Are you attending a social function filled with accountants or Zen Buddhists — or anything between? There are untold thousands of monthly magazines serving every imaginable interest. You can dish up more information than you’ll ever need to sound like an insider with anyone just by reading the rags that serve their racket. (Have you read your latest copy of Zoonooz yet?)
Telephone calls
Unlike ‘uh huh,’ they are complete sentences such as ‘I can appreciate you decided to do that,’ or ‘That really is exciting.’ Empathizers can be one-sentence positive critiques like ‘Yes, that was the honorable thing to do’ or ‘It’s charming you felt that way.’ When you respond with complete sentences instead of the usual grunts, not only do you come across as more articulate, your listener feels that you really understand.
How can you make the person you’re talking to on the phone feel special when you can’t pat their back, or give them a little hug? The answer is simple. Just use your caller’s name far more often than you would in person. In fact, shower your conversations with his or her name. When your listener hears it, it’s like receiving a verbal caress: ‘Thanks, Sam.’ ‘Let’s do it, Betty.’ ‘Hey, Demetri, why not?’ ‘It’s really been good talking to you, Kathi.’
Answer the phone unemotionally, professionally. Say your name or the name of your company. Then when you hear who is on the line, the little trick is to let a big smile flood over your face. ‘Oh Joe, (smile) how nice to hear from you!’ ‘Sally, (smile) how are you?’ ‘Bill, (smile) I was hoping it would be you.’
Don’t answer the phone with an ‘I’m just sooo happy all the time’ attitude. Answer warmly, crisply, professionally. Then, after you hear who is calling, let a huge smile of happiness engulf your entire face and spill over into your voice. You make your caller feel as though your giant warm fuzzy smile is reserved for him or her.
‘I hear your other line’ When you hear a phone in the background, stop speaking — in midsentence if necessary — and say ‘I hear your other line’ (or your dog barking, your baby crying, your spouse calling you). Ask whether she has to attend to it. Whether she does or not, she’ll know you’re a Top Communicator for asking.
Record all your business conversations and listen to them again. The second or third time, you pick up on significant subtleties you missed the first time. It’s like football fans who often don’t know if there was a fumble until they see it all over again in Instant Replay.
Establishing rapport quickly
Simply use the word we prematurely. You can use it to make a client, a prospect, a stranger feel you are already friends. Use it to make a potential romantic partner feel the two of you are already an item. I call it the Premature We. In casual conversation, simply cut through levels one and two. Jump straight to three and four.
Ask your prospect’s feelings on something the way you would query a friend. (‘George, how do you feel about the new governor?’) Then use the pronoun we when discussing anything that might affect the two of you. (‘Do you think we’re going to prosper during his administration?’) Make it a point to concoct we sentences, the kind people instinctively reserve for friends, lovers and other intimates. (‘I think we’ll survive while the governor’s in office.’)
Instant history When you meet a stranger you’d like to make less a stranger, search for some special moment you shared during your first encounter. Then find a few words that reprieve the laugh, the warm smile, the good feelings the two of you felt. Now, just like old friends, you have a history together, an Instant History.
Compliments
The risk in giving a compliment face-to-face is, of course, that the distrustful recipient will assume you are indulging in shameless obsequious pandering to achieve your own greedy goals.
No, simply deliver it through the grapevine.
We’re more apt to trust someone who says nice things about us when we aren’t listening than someone who flatters us to our face.
Keep your ears open for good things people say about each other. If your colleague Carl says something nice about another colleague, Sam, pass it on. ‘You know, Sam, Carl said the nicest thing about you the other day.’
When you bring someone third-party kudos, they appreciate you as much as the complimenter. Call it gossip if you like. This is the good kind.
Tell your sixty-five-year-old uncle: ‘Anyone as fit as you would have zipped right up those steps, but boy, was I out of breath.’ Tell a colleague: ‘Because you’re so knowledgeable in contract law, you would have read between the lines, but stupidly, I signed it.’
If your spouse just cooked a great meal,’ ‘Wow, you’re the best chef in town.’ Just before going out together, ‘Gee, honey, you look great.’ After a long drive, ‘You did it! It must have been tiring.’ With your kids, ‘Hey, gang, great job cleaning up your room.’
We may not go to bed sobbing if the people in our lives don’t notice when we are good. Nevertheless, a trace of those tears lingers.
Don’t make your colleagues, your friends, your loved ones look at you and silently say, ‘Haven’t I been pretty good today?’ Let them know how much you appreciate them by caressing them with verbal Little Strokes like ‘Nice job!’ ‘Well done!’ ‘Cool!’ Little things mean a lot Little Strokes are indeed, little. But as every woman knows, they mean a lot.
Blow me a kiss from across the room. Say I look nice when I’m not. Touch my hair as you pass my chair. Little things mean a lot. Send me the warmth of a secret smile To show me you haven’t forgot. For always and ever, now and forever, Little things mean a lot.
No matter whether their accomplishment is trivial or triumphant, you must praise it immediately — not ten minutes later, not two minutes later — immediately. The moment the winner walks out of the boardroom, the kitchen, the spotlight, there’s only one sound the victor wants to hear: ‘WOW!’
But what if they really bombed? ‘Are you asking me to lie?’ you ask. Yes. Absolutely, positively, resoundingly, YES. This is one of the few moments in life where a lie is condoned by the most ethical individuals. Big Winners realize that sensitivity to an insecure performer’s ego takes momentary precedence over their deep commitment to the truth.
Gratitude
‘Well, not really but thanks anyway.’ Some people toss it off with, ‘just luck.’ When you react this way, you visit a grave injustice on the complimenter. You insult a well-meaning person’s powers of perception.
Leave it to French folks to come up with a congenial catchall phrase. Upon receiving a compliment, they say, ‘Vous êtes gentil.’ Loosely translated, that is ‘How kind of you.’
Let them know of your gratitude and find a way to compliment them for their compliment.
Your colleague asks, ‘How was your vacation in Hawaii?’ You answer, ‘Oh, you remembered I went to Hawaii! It was great, thanks.’ Your boss asks, ‘Are you over your cold now?’ You answer, ‘I appreciate your concern. I feel much better now.’ Whenever someone shines a little sunshine on your life in the form of a compliment or concerned question, reflect it back on the shiner.
Is this a good time to chat?
Before launching into conversation, they always ask ‘Is this a good time to chat?’ ‘Did I catch you at a good time?’ ‘Do you have a minute to discuss the widget account?’ All folks have a Big Ben in their brain that determines how receptive they are going to be to you and your ideas. When you mess with their internal cuckoo clock, they won’t listen to you. No matter how interesting your information, or how pleasant your call, bad timing means bad results for you.
Make it a habit. Make it a rule. Make it a self-punishable crime if the first words out of your mouth don’t concern the convenience of your timing: ‘Hi, Joe, is this a good time to talk?’ ‘Hello, Susan. Have you got a minute?’ ‘Hi, Carl, did I catch you good or did I catch you bad?’ ‘Sam, do you have a second for me to tell you about what happened at the game last Saturday?’
They should honestly answer, ‘red,’ ‘yellow,’ or ‘green.’ Red means ‘I’m really rushed.’ Yellow means ‘I’m busy but what’s on your mind? If it’s quick, we can deal with it.’ Green means ‘Sure, I’ve got time. Let’s talk.’ Red, like the stoplight at the corner, means stop. Yellow means hurry up, time is short, or stop and wait for the next green light. Green means go. Busy people pick up quickly on his artful device and enjoy the game. Most especially, they enjoy Barry’s sensitivity and respect for their time. In fact, he says, most of his callers play the same sensitive game when they call him. ‘Hi Barry, what colour is your time? Are you green?’
Parties
It’s the Six-Point Party Checklist. Who? When? What? Why? Where? And How?
More specifically, who will be there that I should meet? Serious networkers calculate ‘Who must I meet for business? Who should I meet for political or social reasons?’ And, if single and searching, ‘Who do I want to meet for possible love?’ If they don’t know who is going to be in attendance, they ask. Politicians unabashedly telephone the host or hostess of the party and ask, ‘Who’s coming?’ As the party giver chats casually about the guest list, politicians scribble the names of the people who interest them, then resolve
They carefully calculate their estimated time of arrival and estimated time of departure. If the party is bulging with contacts, Biggies get there early to start hitting their marks as each arrives. VIPS frequently come early to get their business done before party regulars who ‘hate to be the first one there’ start arriving.
The most vital tool in their party pack is a small pad and pen to keep track of important contacts.
When people support the real why of the party, they become popular and sought-after guests for future events.
A politician never accepts any invitation without asking herself, ‘What kind of people will be at this party, and what will they be thinking about?’
Perhaps there will be a drove of doctors. So she clicks on the latest medical headlines and rehearses a little doc-talk. If the guests are a nest of new-age voters, the politician gets up to speed on telepathic healing, Tantric toning, and trance dancing. Politicians can’t afford to not be in the know.
Like any Big Winner well versed in the science of proxemics and spatial relationships, they know any object except their belt buckles has the effect of a brick wall between two people. Therefore they never hold food or drink at a party.
The entrance
Does the star skulk into the room like a frightened little kitten in a new owner’s home? Or, like many of us do at a party, frantically gravitate to the first familiar face so people won’t think he or she’s unconnected? No, the star stops. Then, framed by the doorway, his or her notable presence is felt by all.
Before entering, stop dramatically in the doorway and survey the scene s-l-o-w-l-y with your eyes. It is significant that, while you’re standing in the doorway, you’re not thinking, ‘Look at me.’ The reason you’re Rubbernecking the Room is not to show off. It is so you can diagnose the situation you’re walking into. Take note of the lighting, the bar, and most important, the faces. Listen to the music, the buzz of the crowd, the clinking of glasses. See who is talking to whom. While rubbernecking, you’ll also be using Be the Chooser, Not the Choosee, the next technique, which helps you select your first, second, and maybe third target. Now, like the Big Cat who rules the jungle, leap in to make your first move toward wiping up the room.
As their keen eyes scan the crowd, they’re asking themselves ‘Who would I most enjoy talking to? Who looks like they could be most beneficial to my life? Who could I learn most from in this gang?’
‘At age thirty, everyone has the face he deserves’? Yet few of us consciously look into strangers’ eyes. How foolish that, at a party or convention for making contacts, most people are embarrassed to make eye contact with people we don’t know.
While strolling and staring, I ask them to silently choose the four people they most want to talk to during the break.
If you want to walk out of any gathering with your life enhanced, spend time with people you choose, not just those who choose you. Be choosey in who you pick. But don’t wait to be the choosee.
Trivial details and tracking
Everyone feels like the star of a s movie. Every trivial event in their lives is momentous. ‘There’s ME. Then there’s the rest of the world.’
What someone had for breakfast, what shoes he chose to wear, and whether he took time to floss his teeth can be more important to that particular someone than the fall of faraway nations or the rise of global temperatures.
To create an interesting intimacy, Big Winners make a point to remember minute details of important contacts’ lives. They obviously don’t feign interest in what they had for breakfast, or whether they flossed or forgot. But to make someone feel like a big star, they remember details their contact does happen to share.
Take their lead. If a prospect mentions he had Rice Krispies for breakfast, allude to it later. If, in chatting, your boss tells you she wore uncomfortable shoes to work one day, find a way to refer to it on another. If your client mentions he’s a resolute flosser, compliment him at a later date on his discipline. It hints he or she is a memorable star in the galaxy of people you’ve met. It’s called Tracking their lives. When you track their minutia, you make them feel like s movie stars, and that minor events in their lives are major concerns in yours.
Politicians make a science out of Tracking. They keep a little black box either on their desk, in their computer, or in their brain of the last concern, enthusiasm, or event discussed with everyone in their life. They keep track of where the people were, what they said, and what they were doing since the last conversation.
Then the first words of the next phone call or meeting with that person relates to it that information: ‘Hello, Joe. How was your trip to Jamaica?’ ‘Hey Sam, did your kid make the baseball team?’ ‘Hi, Sally. Have you heard back from your client yet?’
Right after you’ve talked to someone at a party, take out your pen. On the back of his or her business card write notes to remind you of the conversation: his favourite restaurant, sport, film, or drink; whom she admires, where she grew up, a high school honour; or maybe a joke he told. In your next communication, toss off a reference to the favourite restaurant, film, movie, drink, hometown, high school prize. Or reprieve the laugh over the great joke.
Bloopers
At that instant, I realized Big Boys and Girls see no bloopers, hear no bloopers. They never say ‘Butterfingers.’ Or ‘Whoops.’ Or even ‘Uh-oh.’ They ignore their colleagues’ boners. They simply don’t notice their comrades’ minor spills, slips, fumbles and blunders. Thus, the technique See No Bloopers, Hear No Bloopers was born.
suffer — in YOUR silence. If you’re having dinner with a friend and she makes a boob, be blind to her overturned glass. Be deaf to her sneeze, cough, or hiccups. No matter how well-meaning your ‘gesundheit,’ ‘whoops,’ or knowing smile, nobody likes to be reminded of their own human frailty.
Most joke and story tellers are too timid to say, after the invasion, ‘Now, as I was saying …’ Instead, they’ll spend the rest of the evening feeling miserable they didn’t get to finish. Here’s where you come in. Rescue them with the technique I call Lend a Helping Tongue.
Lend a helping tongue Whenever someone’s story is aborted, let the interruption play itself out. Give everyone time to dote on the little darling, give their dinner order, or pick up the jagged pieces of china. Then, when the group reassembles, simply say to the person who suffered story-interruptus, ‘Now please get back to your story.’ Or better yet, remember where they were and then ask, ‘So what happened after the … (and fill in the last few words.)’
Favours
Big Winners also lay their cards on the table when asking someone for a favour. Many well-meaning folks are embarrassed to say how important the favour is to them. So they ask as though it’s a casual inquiry when it’s not.
When asking someone for a favour, let them know how much it means to you. You come across as a straight shooter, and the joy of helping you out is often reward enough. Don’t deny them that pleasure!
Bare the buried WIIFM (and WIIFY) Whenever you suggest a meeting or ask a favour, divulge the respective benefits. Reveal what’s in it for you and what’s in it for the other person — even if it’s zip. If any hidden agenda comes up later, you get labelled a sly fox.
Parties are for pratter
Parties Are for Pratter. Parties are for pleasantries and good fellowship, not for confrontations. Big Players, even when standing next to their enemies at the buffet table, smile and nod. They leave tough talk for tougher settings.
breaking bread together is a time when they must discuss no unpleasant aspects of the business.
‘What a shame such genial company should have to concern itself with mundane matters like making money.’
The most guarded safe haven respected by Big Winners is the dining table. Breaking bread together is a time when they bring up no unpleasant matters. While eating, they know it’s OK to brainstorm and discuss the positive side of the business: their dreams, their desires, their designs. They can free associate and come up with new ideas. But no tough business. This convention probably arose out of a prudent agreement not to inflict indigestion on each other. Tough negotiating is unpalatable and can ruin an otherwise perfectly mouthwatering veal chop.
Incidentally, the same rule applies in the social jungle. If one partner in a friendship or a love relationship has some heavy relationship issues to discuss, save them for after dessert. Even if you don’t solve the problem, you want to enjoy the delicious chocolate soufflé.
Chance encounters are for chitchat If you’re selling, negotiating, or in any sensitive communication with someone, do NOT capitalize on a chance meeting. Keep the melody of your mistaken meeting sweet and light. Otherwise, it could turn into your swan song with Big Player.
Consistently create safe havens for people if you want them to elevate you to the status of Big Winner. You may find yourself dining with them, going to parties with them, getting big hellos in the hall, and closing deals much faster than during business hours. Who knows? If it’s your desire, you even make yourself eligible for some heavy socializing at the top. Big Winners make it safe for each other to accept invitations to play golf, spend the weekend in their country homes, or relax by each other’s pools. They know there will be no sharks swimming in the water, no razor blades buried in the shrimp cocktail.
Good bosses understand this human need to talk. Robert, a colleague of mine who owns a small manufacturing firm, says whenever one of his employees complains about a problem, he never holds the griper’s feet to the fire for facts first. He hears the employee out completely. He lets him carry on about the cantankerous customer, the uncooperative co-worker. ‘Then, after he’s gotten it off his chest,’ Robert says, ‘I get the facts a lot more clearly.’
Whenever you are discussing emotionally charged matters, let the speaker finish completely before you jump in. Count to ten if you must. It will seem like an eternity, but letting the flustered fellow finish is the only way he’ll hear you when it’s your turn. Technique : Empty their tanks If you need information, let people have their entire say first. Wait patiently until their needle is on empty and the last drop drips out and splashes on the cement. It’s the only way to be sure their tank is empty enough of their own inner noise to start receiving your ideas.
Take the lead
In less politically sensitive gatherings, the same principle applies. People who respond first to a presentation or happening, without looking around to see how everyone else is reacting, are men and women of leadership calibre.
Even if it’s a small group of three or four people standing around, be the first to empathize with the speaker’s ideas, the first to mutter ‘good idea’. It’s proof positive you’re a person who trusts his or her own instincts.
If bottom dog fails to show the proper deference, he doesn’t get his nose rubbed into the ground. He simply disqualifies himself to bark in the Big League.
Big Winners — before putting pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, mouth to phone, or hand to someone else’s to shake it — do a quick calculation. They ask themselves ‘Who has the most to benefit from this relationship? What has each of us done recently that demands deference from the other?’ And what can I do to even the score?
The great scorecard in the sky Any two people have an invisible scorecard hovering above their heads. The numbers continually fluctuate, but one rule remains: player with lower score pays deference to player with higher score. The penalty for not keeping your eye on the Great Scorecard in the Sky is to be thrown out of the game. Permanently.
Ultimately…
Practice is also the fountainhead of all smooth communications moves. Excellence is not a single and solitary action. It is the outcome of many years of making small smooth moves, tiny ones like the little tricks we’ve explored in How to Talk to Anyone. These moves create your destiny. Remember, repeating an action makes a habit. Your habits create your character. And your character is your destiny. May success be your destiny.
